A Year Long Bloody War
Perhaps in 2045, virtual media outlets and cyberspace itself will have compiled a collection of quotes about the 2022 war: “It was a brutal and unexpected trick by a tired and sick Russian president, filled with messianic agony.” “A bloody experiment that cost the lives of hundreds of thousands of people both in Ukraine and in Russia itself, shaking up the whole world with a superstitious whisper: “Damn it, we’re on the verge of nuclear disaster again!” “May the almighty AI and tranquilizers help us!” “Neofascism was posing right before our eyes with all of its gleaming insanity.” “Leave me alone: I just got a 45-year mortgage.”
Alternatively, this episode could also be seen by religious interpreters as a rehearsal for the local Apocalypse. With the Antichrist’s ascension to the throne, a dark morass of propaganda and religious institutions censured modernized censers in honor of the werewolf ruler and his plans to destroy people in a neighboring country.
Another twist in the intellectual debates recorded in history books will be the idea of World War III. Dozens of European countries, slightly frozen with their lack of heating fuel, and a cautious America took an indirect part in the war with Russia using Ukrainian territory, attempting to silence Putin’s annoying shouts that he was ready to use a nuclear bomb through covert manipulation and threats.
Some believed that the Great Putin’s ideas were correct but that tactical errors occurred. The reasons behind the war would also be found in a special conspiracy against Russia. (It’s hard to imagine to what extent they could further trash houses with plastic bags instead of windows and holes in the ground instead of toilets.) The most desperate will suggest that Putin himself was the secret agent who brilliantly destroyed Russia’s reputation along with its own future.
If Putin’s pocket shamans could bring back Franz Kafka and Aldous Huxley, they’d make sure to include a scene in which Vovochka Putin was grown in vitro from an overweight middle-aged female and an unknown father. All proof was destroyed in that laboratory. Putin’s biography was completely fabricated later.
And, while meticulous researchers write voluminous books about Putin’s rise to political Olympus as a faceless KGB servant, aka cab driver, no one knows Putin’s worst kept secret.
The terrible event happened when the skinny teenager Putin, beaten and deeply hurt by his classmates, met a dark figure at Sovetsky Pereulok 4 in his home city of St. Petersburg. Out of nowhere, a tall citizen, all in black, introduced himself as Comrade Ivan Skvernoslovsky and handed Vovochka two red and blue candies called “Red October.” The comrade then launched into a lengthy and at times lofty speech about Russia’s faith. He casually mentioned that he, Vladimir Putin, would play a key role in Russia’s Great Revival. Even though Vovochka grew immediately suspicious, nevertheless, the idea seduced his mind.
Seeing the puny boy’s confusion, Comrade Skvernoslovsky also placed a red book in his hands. In a fleeting moment, Vova wondered how much he could sell it for. And while he was leafing through the book, the mysterious man vanished.
“What nonsense!” thought the future ruler of Russia, and he ate the two candies together.
After Putin was enthroned, the Red Book was moved from the second bathroom shelf in his apartment to the FSB archives.
The omnipresent whistleblower known as General SVR would later discover that the infamous book contained a secret formula for conquering the world, or something along those lines. The complex formula was written in the Sanskrit chapter “The Curse of the Slave wraith” and entirely overtook the mind of young Vovochka.
However, even though the eminent researchers from the Russian Academy of Sciences argued that Putin never read Sanskrit in his entire life and even spoke German poorly, the fact remains. The secret formula was previously considered by the representatives of the socialist elite of the USSR and later improved by their great helmsman Stalin, who was envious of the success of an artist — Hitler.
One of the constants of any formula for eternal power is blood, points out the author of the book, whom General SVR refers to as the “mystical Great Yoda Commander.” It was the Communists’ mistake to stop at killing the bourgeoisie and the Tsar, as well as the rest of the dissenters. Stalin successfully continued what he started by imprisoning, killing, and maiming 4 million of his fellow citizens.
Putin studied the most important mindsets of the country’s population in a book called “deep alcoholism” and “sober inebriation.” He calculated that if you keep people deprived of comfort and safety, isolated from the rest of the world, and irradiated with propaganda TV, the partly stupefied fellow citizens will support any of his ideas.
His formula was also based on the sum of infringed national pride multiplied by the latent discontent of the masses and squared by the ruling elite’s stupidity and arrogance, exponentially fueled by corrupt oil money. His court servants spiced it up with the new math of cyber terrorism, and that’s where he was on February 24, 2022.
Later, the New York Times Investigative Unit would discover that the real cause of the Russo-Ukrainian War were the two red and blue “Red October” candies consumed by Vladimir Putin as a teenager.
